Soul mate, two little words one big concept, a belief that someone, somewhere is holding the key to your heart and your dream house. All you have to do is find them, so, where is this person? And if you loved someone and it didn't work out, does that mean they weren't your soul mate?, were they just a runner-up contestant in this game show called Happily ever after? Soul mates...reality or torture device?
-SATC(s.4)
After reading that i got to thinking...about soul mates..
I am only 21 and "i have so much time to enjoy myself and there's no need to rush"
Granted, this is completely correct. But now lets take this big picture and zoom in a bit.
Zoom into my 21 year old love life and forget the years ahead.
Right now i' am stuck. Its like part of me is running to the next and part of me doesn't want to leave just yet. I don't know exactly what's holding me back...
is it the What Ifs? cant be it...because i already know what IS...
is it Fear? maybe... but i already got past the scary point of moving on..
is it Hope? i think I'm getting closer... but i have hope..good hope of whats to come...
is it Faith? a lot warmer... but i have Faith...Faith and belief that everything will fall into place...so what the hell is holding me back????
is it Fate? YES!
Fate...the predetermined..inevitable course of events..has fucked with my mind lately!
Fate is my punching bag when i' am training! Why is Fate playing such mean games with my mind..and my heart?!
how has Fate fucked with me? No matter how much i move forward with my life, 'fate' pulls me right back. I am in a constant battle with ignoring fate and listening to my mind. As you know i am not talking to someone new, someone i actually like. And as you know I am still somewhat dealing with my ex. The feelings i have for my ex have really withered away..slowly but surely. But Fate slaps me in the face as if to resurrect these feelings.
How?
1. Finding out my Ex is going to be working 5 blocks away from me.
2. When I'm with the 'new' guy, why does my Ex always happen to hit me up? hasn't failed YET!
3. Our lives always intertwine somehow, i mean i met the guy almost 2 years ago..dissed him and cut him off..then boom he came back with a vengeance. Throughout the year, between the time we met and the time we started talking, we would bump into each other on the most random occasions. I went on a spree and deleted most of my buddies on AIM, why did i decide to keep his? when i didn't even speak to him, in fact i was a bit repulsed by him lol. But Fate decided that he needed to play a bigger role in my life. So here we are today.
4. I genuinely became friends with his friends and family. It wasn't like i planned it or even wanted to, it just happened naturally. They are the major causes to why our lives intertwine the most at the moment.
5. We don't fight it. Its like when we're apart everything is all good and we're on our own shit. We talk the big game and its like "fuck that bitch...fuck that nigga..I'm doing my thing". But when we're together? all of that seems to dissolve before our eyes. it feels natural...it feels like..well.. Fate.
BUT FUCK FATE!!!!!! yea i said it..
This weekend i received a myspace message from the new guy and it shook me so hard, i felt like doing what i always do. Cut the guy off and run away. He was being crazy mushy and poetic and revealing his emotions and instead of cute butterflies in the tummy...i got sick to my stomach.
I am petrified of commitment. PETRIFIED. and i didn't notice how scared i was till that message. That's why i plant myself down with guys who wont ever commit and run from the guys who are ready to do so. So i decided, once and for all, to swallow my pride and fears and break the cycle. I let the dude know how i was feeling...dun dun dun!
I told him how that was the first time it hit me that things are getting serious between the two of us and it scared me away. Told him if he can please tone-down the mushiness just a tiny bit because it makes me run away. Also let him know i didn't want to run from him because i genuinely like him..a lot. Its just i cant help my fear and the compulsion to run away.
first time in 4 years Ive been honest about my feelings with a guy. It felt awesome.
and i realized...in the relationship i have with new guy...i have assumed the role of the 'hard to commit'. I have become the people i used to date. Crazy stuff huh?
well to wrap this session of my word-vomit...i have a temporary solution to the split my mind&heart is in between the new and the ex. I am going to back down from both of them for a bit and see how things play out. It'll be hard but gotta do it for me. So I'm going to wrap my life around my family, my money, my goals, my sisters and kick boxing. Lets see what Fate does about that!!!!!!
And if anything..ill take my co-workers advice... "girl you better open your eyes to shorty downstairs... drop the Zero and get with the Hero" =D
Remnants of a Broken Heart!
12 years ago
