Picture This...

Picture this...

after a thousand words said
we could never understand
what was in each other heads..

complete content
sun rise to sun set
so far like stars..
we were everything i wished for

But you didnt make time
to speak your mind..
when i wasn't pleasing you

Took my love in vain
I was bleeding you..

lonley nights..
i held the pillow close
wishing i was squeezing you

its crazy..

we can only see the bad times
when were togther..
remember the good
when were apart..

if we throw our love away
does that bring us back to the start?

time heals all wounds
but i cant rewind my heart
is the flame still not there
if seeing you ignights a spark?

Picture this...

after a thousand words said
we could never understand
whats inside each others heads.

Happiness is a state of mind!

Last Wednesday was just an AWFUL day for me. So many things were going on at once.
I was getting barked at the job, reading the way people have slandered my name around 'campus', and of course the bullet that hurt the most, My father not even one day in NY was already degrading me as a human being. Nothing out of the ordinary, but enough to make me feel lower than dirt.

I was at work desperate for a way out, anyone to turn to, anyone...anything...

As soon as 5:30pm hit i rushed out the door realizing..eerr..i cant go home. Home for me is the pure equivalent to isolation. Isolation = thinking. My thinking at the moment = no bueno.

I called everyone i can think of to see if they could help me run and escape for that night, at the least. No one answered.

I called the person i vowed to never contact when i felt this low, my ex. He didn't hesitate to offer me the escape i was agonizing for. I went over and it was just what i needed, to be alone, but not lonely.

That morning on the train ride to work i was thinking,"why didn't i feel any better than i did yesterday?" That is when i remembered and realized, i cant seek happiness, happiness cannot be given to you, nobody can make you happy but YOU!

I took this thought and ran with it...
Happiness is not a happening. Happiness is a state of mind.

One can have everything in the world and be miserable. Or you can have relatively little and
bounce off the walls with joy.

That sidetracked me to another point. You have to truly appreciate what you have in your life.
When you appreciate, everything else becomes insignificant.

TRY THIS:
- Think of all your troubles. That significant other who left without saying a word, or left with saying harsh words. The person who cheated, stole, might as well have cut you open. Think about that interview you prepared so much for and they never called you back. Think about your family, your empty wallet and saturated debt. Think about how you lost your favorite necklace, or you just missed the train. Think about that loved one that passed away and your angry and sad their no longer there. How you found out nasty things people are saying about you. Think about all the awful things that make you hurt, cry, angry, scream! Dont you wish you would just disappear or just die...

-NOW: close your eyes... for just a minute..imagine that you are blind. No colors, no shapes, no sense of direction, no sight of your family, friends, or your significant other. No sunset or sunrise, no lightness, only darkness.

-NOW: imagine that suddenly there's a miracle. You open your eyes and your vision is restored! So ask yourself now, how do you feel about all those problems before? they don't matter as much do they? Good. your getting it =)

Appreciate the fact that you can make yourself HAPPY no matter what the circumstance. Why?
Because Happiness is not a happening. Happiness is a state of mind.

The Family 'Burden'...

For the past year one of the strongest women I know has had her life hindered by a terminal disease. My aunt, or Puchita as the family knows her best, has Lou Gehrig's Disease.

To school you people real quick:
Lou Gehrigs is progressive, usually fatal, neurodegenerative disease AKA the nerve cells in the central nervous system that control voluntary muscle movement stop working and deteriorate all together. It can begin with a simple finger being paralyzed and it slowly becomes 2 fingers...your hand..then your arm. The patient may ultimately lose the ability to initiate and control all voluntary movement except for the eyes.

Today I was over my grandmas house, what the family calls the 'Hospital'. Everyone was enjoying conversation in the kitchen, telling stories and laughing till our tummys were aching. Then as I settled my laughter I asked "where is Titi Pucha?". The room went silent.

They pointed to the living room as if they were stricken by muteness. I was a bit disturbed and curious why she wasn't in the kitchen with us? So I went to the living room.

There. Sitting in dimmed light in a blank stare was my Titi Pucha. I sat right next to her and asked for my blessing gave her a big kiss on the cheek. I then got up and turned on the light and joked about the darkness. She laughed and then quickly stopped herself. This began to annoy me.

I sat next to her again and asked her why she stopped herself from laughing. She simply answered "I forgot what a laugh sounded like and I scared myself." My heart melted...

I assured her that with me she could express herself as she wished. So we spoke about general things like the election and school. She shared how she hates being treated as if she is a burden in the family and as if she lost the ability to speak to herself.

We spoke for another 30 minutes or so before I excused myself to watch entourage. Before I left she thanked me for realizing that just because he mobile skills were hindered she is still a woman with opinion. I gave her a huge hug and was on my way.

On my way I made a pit stop in the kitchen for munchies. Everyone had left and it was just me and my other aunt in the room. I asked her how she was doing. She answered, "I'm just here dealing with my depression and anxiety attacks, most of all dealing with 'the problem'", as she points to the living room. I was filled with fury.

How could she call my Titi Pucha, her sister, 'the problem'??? As if it were her fault she was plagued with the disease. Then having the audacity to blame her for your depression, in addition stripping her of her identity/dignity by not even saying her name.

Instead of blowing up and adding to her 'depression', I simply smiled my best smile and told her "Everything is about perspective, be positive and you will feel the joy that has always been there, but was always ignored."

Ex-Communication

So a little background:

about a month ago me and my ex ended the relationship..or did we?

We definitely erased the title and for about 3 weeks we were good.

No speaking or seeing each other during that time.

I was loving life and i realized i didnt miss him as much as i thought i would.

I was so proud of how i dealt with the break up

and how strong ive become in relationships.

I continued my single life as if it had never seized and

as if me and..who?...ever existed.

Then of course the inevitable rendez-vous

on what would have been our 2-months of being official "anniversary."

Of course it started out friendly and just jokes being thrown, but eventually

our old habits and the comfort we felt with each other

began to break down the walls of pride and shatter the stubbornness.

I felt as if we were better than ever before.

For a split second i forgot he was my 'ex'.

I forgot we even had 'communication issues'.

It felt as natural as breathing being with him.

And for that split second i wished i wouldn't wake up.

I wished even more, that he wouldn't either.

That night was only lived that once..

We woke up.

Ex-Communication

You’re the bluest sky

You’re the biggest lie

You’re the greenest grass

You’re all about getting ass

You’re feeling so right

As we do wrong tonight

You make me so happy

You get me fucking angry

I’ve become your addiction

You’re my biggest contradiction

I was your lesson to learn

You were my bridge to burn

Memories replay in flashbacks

Feelings we try to fight back

Out of sight, out of mind

Come in sight, lose our minds

Cross the line of a lover and a friend

Seems like this relationship has no end

Time to stop the cycle before it gets worse

Got to find the cure to this inevitable curse

So we give one last hug...one last kiss

Such a shame it all comes down to this

So sad it ended so fast

I thought we would last

But I have a career to pursue

And you have maturing do to…

I think we’re better off this way…

And maybe, just maybe...one day…

After Effects:

As predicted me and him wont ever be again. Its funny,

After that one night i held him so high..as simultaneously he sunk so low

its ok. it happens and there's always other men out there.

I know because he was once my savior

from a broken heart i thought id never mend.

He helped me forget and he helped me believe.

So guess what? I have not one doubt,

that another can help me forget and help me believe.

I just have this small hope that he comes back and realizes everything

before its too late..

Lets get this thing started...

So what better way to get things started than a lil Bio of me...

Name: Claudia
Nickname: Nanita or Nana
Age: 21
Bday: July 20
Makes me: a Cancer/Leo Cusp

Born: NYC
Raised: Bushwick, Brooklyn
Reside: Ozone Park, Queens
Raices: Repulica Dominicana

Fav Color: Purple and Rainbow
Fav Animal: Puppies and White Tigers
Fav Sport: Love Basketball
Fav Movie: Peter Pan
Fav Cartoon Character: I am Tinkerbell
Fav Holiday: Role Play in Halloween
Fav Food: Chicken..Shrimp isnt to far behind
Fav Hobbies: Music..Writing..Reading

Love..
Been in Love: never
Been Heartbroken: who hasnt really
Been Cheated on: unfortunately
Believe in Love: i am trying..

Life..

Biggest Obstacle: Living without my parents and having no one to depend on

Biggest Accomplishment: Loving Myself for who i am

Main Goal: To live genuinely happy with my own family and my own career.

Daily Struggle: Communicating my true feelings without pride getting in the way

Blog..
What am i doing here: I have issues with communication, so i write.

I need an outlet to express my emotions.
What will i be blogging about: mostly post lyrics, poems and pics

im feeling at the moment
What i ask from readers: Dont judge me, just know i am human,

iam not perfect, and these will be my feelings raw.