A Heart Deserted

A Heart Deserted

Like the Desert needs the Rain

My heart is flooded with Pain.

I am jaded, I am faded, I've been misplaced

Evaporated...Evanescent in the air

Somewhere my soul cries in despair

I reach for my flask

expediting for the fluidic elixir

...nothing...

Hoping for the toxic bliss,

I find only a dry abyss.

Like the Desert needs the Rain

my heart is dry from Pain.

My emotional disconnection

Breeds quarantine isolation,

Stems obligation for spiritual annihilation

The dry tears fall down my face

making a river of lost hopes and nothingness,

Fall to my knees and pray for Grace

Dry as a Desert...

I swallow the last bit of moisture i have left

Only one thing remains...

A hollow stone hole at the left of my chest.

Like the Desert needed the Rain

I needed your Love out of vain.

Like the Desert is dry without Rain

My heart is absent from the wrath of Pain.

Poet Notes: This poem derived from the culmination of heartbreak and heartache throughout the years. Not directed to anyone specific.

Fate keeps Fucking with me!!!

Soul mate, two little words one big concept, a belief that someone, somewhere is holding the key to your heart and your dream house. All you have to do is find them, so, where is this person? And if you loved someone and it didn't work out, does that mean they weren't your soul mate?, were they just a runner-up contestant in this game show called Happily ever after? Soul mates...reality or torture device?

-SATC(s.4)

After reading that i got to thinking...about soul mates..
I am only 21 and "i have so much time to enjoy myself and there's no need to rush"
Granted, this is completely correct. But now lets take this big picture and zoom in a bit.
Zoom into my 21 year old love life and forget the years ahead.

Right now i' am stuck. Its like part of me is running to the next and part of me doesn't want to leave just yet. I don't know exactly what's holding me back...

is it the What Ifs? cant be it...because i already know what IS...

is it Fear? maybe... but i already got past the scary point of moving on..

is it Hope? i think I'm getting closer... but i have hope..good hope of whats to come...

is it Faith? a lot warmer... but i have Faith...Faith and belief that everything will fall into place...so what the hell is holding me back????

is it Fate? YES!

Fate...the predetermined..inevitable course of events..has fucked with my mind lately!
Fate is my punching bag when i' am training! Why is Fate playing such mean games with my mind..and my heart?!

how has Fate fucked with me? No matter how much i move forward with my life, 'fate' pulls me right back. I am in a constant battle with ignoring fate and listening to my mind. As you know i am not talking to someone new, someone i actually like. And as you know I am still somewhat dealing with my ex. The feelings i have for my ex have really withered away..slowly but surely. But Fate slaps me in the face as if to resurrect these feelings.
How?

1. Finding out my Ex is going to be working 5 blocks away from me.

2. When I'm with the 'new' guy, why does my Ex always happen to hit me up? hasn't failed YET!

3. Our lives always intertwine somehow, i mean i met the guy almost 2 years ago..dissed him and cut him off..then boom he came back with a vengeance. Throughout the year, between the time we met and the time we started talking, we would bump into each other on the most random occasions. I went on a spree and deleted most of my buddies on AIM, why did i decide to keep his? when i didn't even speak to him, in fact i was a bit repulsed by him lol. But Fate decided that he needed to play a bigger role in my life. So here we are today.

4. I genuinely became friends with his friends and family. It wasn't like i planned it or even wanted to, it just happened naturally. They are the major causes to why our lives intertwine the most at the moment.

5. We don't fight it. Its like when we're apart everything is all good and we're on our own shit. We talk the big game and its like "fuck that bitch...fuck that nigga..I'm doing my thing". But when we're together? all of that seems to dissolve before our eyes. it feels natural...it feels like..well.. Fate.

BUT FUCK FATE!!!!!! yea i said it..

This weekend i received a myspace message from the new guy and it shook me so hard, i felt like doing what i always do. Cut the guy off and run away. He was being crazy mushy and poetic and revealing his emotions and instead of cute butterflies in the tummy...i got sick to my stomach.

I am petrified of commitment. PETRIFIED. and i didn't notice how scared i was till that message. That's why i plant myself down with guys who wont ever commit and run from the guys who are ready to do so. So i decided, once and for all, to swallow my pride and fears and break the cycle. I let the dude know how i was feeling...dun dun dun!

I told him how that was the first time it hit me that things are getting serious between the two of us and it scared me away. Told him if he can please tone-down the mushiness just a tiny bit because it makes me run away. Also let him know i didn't want to run from him because i genuinely like him..a lot. Its just i cant help my fear and the compulsion to run away.

first time in 4 years Ive been honest about my feelings with a guy. It felt awesome.
and i realized...in the relationship i have with new guy...i have assumed the role of the 'hard to commit'. I have become the people i used to date. Crazy stuff huh?

well to wrap this session of my word-vomit...i have a temporary solution to the split my mind&heart is in between the new and the ex. I am going to back down from both of them for a bit and see how things play out. It'll be hard but gotta do it for me. So I'm going to wrap my life around my family, my money, my goals, my sisters and kick boxing. Lets see what Fate does about that!!!!!!

And if anything..ill take my co-workers advice... "girl you better open your eyes to shorty downstairs... drop the Zero and get with the Hero" =D

So Sweet...It's Scary...

Everyone has fears. And then everyone has 'irrational' fears. Fears that cannot be understood to the outside world, fear that is only understood by that person alone.

Fear is linked to numerous emotional states:
Worry,panic,fright,horror paranoia, and anxiety...

Some of my fears? Big bodies of water, fire, lightning, bugs, foreign animals, being shot, so on and so forth...what's the point of this all?

I was talking with my cousin and I realized a new fear of mine. Very subtle and discreet, but very potent and emotion driven.

Me- so I stopped speaking to {my ex}..cut him off for good..I guess

Dee- finally! Geez..the boy was coo but damn bout time!

Me- I won't front..kinda miss him tho..he mad coo dude...as a friend ya know..as anything else? Wackness!

Dee- yea I know but that boy is a nobody right now..he doesn't have much going for him right now and the worst part he isn't even trying to do something. He doesn't deserve a woman like you. Your smart, hard working, goal oriented.., beautiful. don't even think of ever going back to him!

Me- im not..trust...im jes takin it a day at a time..I dun care about him as a BF..just as a friend..and he does have a lot going for him now, he is just stupid..

Dee- promise me something, promise your going to stop trying to take care of dudes and let one take care of you!..for once!

Me- watchu mean take care of dudes?

Dee- name one guy...just one...that took care of YOU!..ill wait..

Me-(naming guy after guy) oh how about R****? He took care of me for the most part..

Dee- no that dude just bought you stuff..im talking about doing the simple things for you and treating you with respect as well as taking you out.

Me- (stumped) I guess your right...I've never truly been taken care of. From my first relationship to this last one..same pattern...wow..

My fear? Dependency.
Although I moan and groan when I'm in relationships where the dude is slacking on me. I def play my part. As in, I assume the position as their support and help them achieve whatever it may be at the moment. And what does that leave me? That leaves me with being the sole support system for them as well as myself. I end up being overwhelmed and retreating from them and the situation.

So what happens when I finally meet someone willing to not only receive my support but lend theirs to me as well? I get scared!!! Lol

The thought of me letting myself receive support from someone else is terrifying. Why? Because of the possibility of it being taken away from under me.

I recently met this guy and we've chilled a few times. Although I don't know him very well, from what I do know he is sweet by nature. Very attentive and not afraid of what he can offer to a person.

In just 3 weeks this dude has done more than almost any guy has done for me in 3 years. Usually when a guy gives a lady flowers she melts before his eyes. Usually on the rare occasion of me receiving a rose, I want to run. Which is what I felt like doing on Friday.

He is so sweet...its scary...

Not to be a pessimist here...but there has to be something...lol

To be continued...

Picture This...

Picture this...

after a thousand words said
we could never understand
what was in each other heads..

complete content
sun rise to sun set
so far like stars..
we were everything i wished for

But you didnt make time
to speak your mind..
when i wasn't pleasing you

Took my love in vain
I was bleeding you..

lonley nights..
i held the pillow close
wishing i was squeezing you

its crazy..

we can only see the bad times
when were togther..
remember the good
when were apart..

if we throw our love away
does that bring us back to the start?

time heals all wounds
but i cant rewind my heart
is the flame still not there
if seeing you ignights a spark?

Picture this...

after a thousand words said
we could never understand
whats inside each others heads.

Ex-Communication

So a little background:

about a month ago me and my ex ended the relationship..or did we?

We definitely erased the title and for about 3 weeks we were good.

No speaking or seeing each other during that time.

I was loving life and i realized i didnt miss him as much as i thought i would.

I was so proud of how i dealt with the break up

and how strong ive become in relationships.

I continued my single life as if it had never seized and

as if me and..who?...ever existed.

Then of course the inevitable rendez-vous

on what would have been our 2-months of being official "anniversary."

Of course it started out friendly and just jokes being thrown, but eventually

our old habits and the comfort we felt with each other

began to break down the walls of pride and shatter the stubbornness.

I felt as if we were better than ever before.

For a split second i forgot he was my 'ex'.

I forgot we even had 'communication issues'.

It felt as natural as breathing being with him.

And for that split second i wished i wouldn't wake up.

I wished even more, that he wouldn't either.

That night was only lived that once..

We woke up.

Ex-Communication

You’re the bluest sky

You’re the biggest lie

You’re the greenest grass

You’re all about getting ass

You’re feeling so right

As we do wrong tonight

You make me so happy

You get me fucking angry

I’ve become your addiction

You’re my biggest contradiction

I was your lesson to learn

You were my bridge to burn

Memories replay in flashbacks

Feelings we try to fight back

Out of sight, out of mind

Come in sight, lose our minds

Cross the line of a lover and a friend

Seems like this relationship has no end

Time to stop the cycle before it gets worse

Got to find the cure to this inevitable curse

So we give one last hug...one last kiss

Such a shame it all comes down to this

So sad it ended so fast

I thought we would last

But I have a career to pursue

And you have maturing do to…

I think we’re better off this way…

And maybe, just maybe...one day…

After Effects:

As predicted me and him wont ever be again. Its funny,

After that one night i held him so high..as simultaneously he sunk so low

its ok. it happens and there's always other men out there.

I know because he was once my savior

from a broken heart i thought id never mend.

He helped me forget and he helped me believe.

So guess what? I have not one doubt,

that another can help me forget and help me believe.

I just have this small hope that he comes back and realizes everything

before its too late..